Few minutes of vacation!!

Another major part of the road to the destination has been travelled, the results although will be known only in due course of time.

The burst-out at the hotel was unexpected. A heavy weight off my head, the strong exterior shed off, and my heart lay bare in front of her...the tears knew their caresser was present, and they flew down with howls and cries as I lay inside her wetting her dress while listening to her solacing heart beats.

My mother always exposes the kid in me...

Those few minutes in her arms was my revival and my vacation...all of the emotions felt and expressed at once... the exasperation, my happiness, my sorrow, my turmoil, and my relief!!

She charged me for another three years and I am ready for the coming challenges now!! 

Love her!

Tele-viewing !!

Excitement engulfs the soul for the not-so-distant reality...

The toughest hill, although, remains still unconquered...

Priorities people say, should be in proper place...

Chambers however fail to bow down to the gray matter...

Envisioning the times to come is so beautiful, maybe more beautiful than what will eventually happen...

And in that dream, My DREAM, lies my liberative happiness and content.

(Final Practical exam is 16 days away, and thousands of plans are popping and brimming out of my head)

Bucket list

While reading oncology, one cannot not have thoughts about what if a close person develops this or what if I develop an unresectable, non curable cancer, and am left to live on palliation. Well, such a thought has just struck me, and to think of what and how I would wish to spend my last moments knowing they are my last, I would do the want to do a lot of these:

1. PAINT...
2. GO AND LIVE AT MY HOME...
3. HAVE MY BABY ...adopted or own doesn't matter....but those tiny feets, tiny hands and breath.
4. EAT HEARTILY
5. READ BOOKS....anything but course books.

50 shades of grey

Well yes, this happened to be the next book I started reading. 20 hour long journey without a book seemed to be real boring, and with 5 big luggages already with me I dare not add even an ounce more. So, it was me and the only ebook I had in the gadet. Yeah, I am explaining why I had to even pick this book! Not that I am ashamed to have picked up an erotica,  for it was there on my device because I wished to read this in the first place sometime. I had wished to read what had caught the world with such attention. But, not anymore.

Well, I must say a few things here:

1. This book is 'literally' not worth it. 150 pages out of 364 have been read, and I am sure it won't go a page higher.
2. Erotica is not my thing. A casual sexual depiction in an ongoing story is fine, but a story based on sexual adventures and that too, of the forensic medicine types is just not my flavour.
3. The protagonist is not convincing enough to make me believe one would do all this in the right sphere of mind, or that there can ever be a man/woman over whom one can be swooned so much that the brains stop working.

Probably it stems from the fact that I have always been very informed about my choices in life, have thought a lot before acting in a certain fashion, and hence, such mindless behaviour seems so unreal (to me atleast).

There is nothing about this book that can be quoted, nothing that must be remembered,  nothing that must be re-read. And about the upcoming movie, I don't give a damn to visualize the Red Room of Pain.

Tele says, ' This book is a Grey Book of Perversion. Ideal to learn the IPCs for the Unnatural Sexual Offences.' ;-)

Nag-itivity

My chain of thoughts seemed to be oh-so-positive and now all that I have to do is crib, complain, shout and cry. All my articles here on the blog have been about this. Am I so unhappy from life? Am I so bereft of the pleasures of life? Hmmm.... the answer is a big big NO! Well then, why such negativity is strewn all over tele-pen-ny?
Because this is me penning down my heart. Earlier, I used to share that bit of my life which I couldn't share openly with others, and it was mainly about the jubiliation at doing new things professionally,  about my romantic side, about the decisions I was taking (a first timer). And they all seemed to be just fine. Now also, I share the part of my heart which I don't wish to share openly with others...and it is about the disappointment at some people's behaviour, or actions, or the place where I am stuck professionally.  There are a thousand lovely times to the one dejected post I write here, I laugh, I love, I care, I do things like a real lady, I am responsible, I am loved....all of this....it is just that when I set out to write, which happens only when I have either had an altercation or an argument with someone (coz practically that is only time I decide to put things off and keep 'me' on the table) and end up writing all the perennially unhappy stuff on the paper.

Tele says, 'There is so much on the table, that 'I' really have to be on my toes.' ;-)

Note to Self!

Sometimes, we are just on a mission to prove ourselves.

And, history has it, at precisely those very moments, we will fail.

Do it when YOU want to do it and not to SHOW others that you can!!

Days of Love

She waits at dinner for him, he apologizes.

He leaves for his office, they mentally share a kiss.

6:30 AM! Alarm goes off. He over-zealously puts this alarm despite sleeping at 2 in the night. She snuggles close to him, reaches out to the phone and disables the alarm. He asks her to get him up in 15 minutes. She wakes up to his aroma 2 minutes later. Mornings start with his peaceful face in the last lap of sleep.


She goes to the door, collects the newspaper and milk packets. He likes his milk hot when suffering from cough. She likes it cold, always. Milk boils over the stove and the newspapers reach his side of the bed along with a wake-up call. He wishes her a good morning, she prepares his breakfast. Twice or thrice in the midst, her name is called for something that he is searching for. In one of these times, they hug for a good one minute, and the world stops in its chaos.

His milk is ready on the table just as he likes it…with Chocolate syrup and flakes. She dices a couple of fruits. He has his breakfast; she packs a box with hot paranthas for him to eat in the cab on his way to office.  He brings the suit coat and hands over to her. She makes him wear the coat; he coughs. She inquires about the medicines and he says he has forgotten to take them, but he will take them today, surely. She gets angry, scolds and he barges out of the door. She shouts, 'Have a good day!'. He replies, You too. She stays there at the door, watching him walk the corridor. He is rushing with short but rapid footsteps. He turns his head, sees her standing at the door, looks into her eyes and transfers a smile. Her eyes sparkle. 

Our love....

His love was loud, his support outright,
His words solved my riddled mind
His care calmed the tides of the soul,
His acknowledgement infused new life,
His smile snatched those drops of worry
His eyes narrated the sonnet of our love.

Fluid thinking

She said, the class is way too boring. The mam is teaching very very slowly. Wasting precious time as well. 10 minutes into the lecture had put me into the dilemma whether to attend it or utilize my time by studying at home. 10 minutes more into the class, and I finally got up and left. Although, I did not study the complete day and would have definitely gained more on being there in the class.

Have a thinking process like a fluid; aligns itself to the company it stays in....takes the shape of the container it is put into. Analysis takes a backseat. When in company, my individual opinion and choices are overlooked my myself. Decisions are manipulated by the group's mentality. My priorities go into sudden Brownian motion....juggle itself and I take up poor decisions, not good for me. Sometimes, I should stay away from groups of people so as to preserve my individuality. To focus clearly on my target, to not be influenced by other's opinions. Actually, I just need to be out of touch with people, so that I can study.

Isolation!!!!

Marriage = Adjustments

Two of my friends are getting married and are having their share of worries about how will they live according to their in-laws. Their worries are based on the torturing experiences that other women have recited to them. What they are unaware about is the amount of adjustment one has to put in to adjust according to your life partner as well. 

There is a pattern that I have observed. They all seem so supportive till engagement, promising to go lengths to make you feel at ease. Post engagement, they want you to understand that you have to go according to your family's wishes and do certain things in certain ways. Post-marriage, you are left alone in the house of your new family trying to adjust. For him it is home, and he conveniently overlooks that it might be new for us and we might be actively remolding ourselves every minute that we spend there. A mention of even a small thing that hurt you is taken aggressively with anger and it becomes a lonely world from there on. You're left to not share the bad moments of the day with him so as to avoid the confrontation that will make you feel even more lonelier. Yeah, that's the kind of partner that every Indian Male becomes. Wait, continue to read...it isn't that way forever. Post the initial 1-2 years of the married life, the guy now starts to understand that his wife has given so much to the family and that she might also be needing some love, affection and someone to share her heart out. The time when he starts to adjust for you. This is the stage when the couple has really fallen in love, in its truest sense. When there is not merely reception of love, but also reciprocation.

It might seem tough and hard in the middle, but patience and tolerance and true love will cruise you through. Give, Give, Give. You'll surely reap sweet fruits sooner or later.

Scrutiny curbs expression

Having read the last few posts on this blog makes me feel sad for what I have done with my hobby of writing. There has been a clear downgrading in terms of content and frequency. The frequency doesn't really bother me as much as does the quality of content that I have been posting, which mainly involves putting into words what I have been doing in my life. Grammar has been at an all time low. There is a constant censoring of content that is going on internally. Feelings and emotions are being back spaced. I am scared of what write up of mine might be interpreted in what sense and how much will I have to explain myself for a point that I make here. This blog is being read and followed by our families and friends and every article of mine may lead to a variety of conclusions. It is like being watched day in and day out. Scrutiny is curbing my freedom of expression.

Every post that I write just means a part of my thought process/ feelings that I want to express. The state of mind is dynamic and life keeps on changing. So, a post of some negative observation should be equally welcome with the dozen positive happy posts that one writes. I am not one eternally happy soul, I do have my lows, I do feel hurt. And I would want to express my heartbreak equally as I shout out my joys. My perspective is mine and nobody has the power to impose theirs onto mine. I agree to disagree, and I want the freedom to not say a yes to a thought I don't believe in. I think I have been tired of living my life on someone else's terms. Being the bride and bahu was all fine, you have to appease the society and the people who are important to you. You've to take care of their sentiments and sensibilities. But, for those times when I want to be me, and independent of other influences, I will turn up to blogger. Blogger is a medium for me to know myself better. Let it be that way!!

...And tears have to lose!

While Sleepless in Seattle plays on Romedy Now (one channel that I am in love with these a days) on the 17’ screen of the 20 something years old television set of ours, tears know no boundaries. This drawing room of our home seems so huge, that it has started to make me feel emptier. I am on a trip back home. It is my 9^th day at home, I haven’t stepped out for more than three occasions. Am just letting the home feeling sink in, but it all is ending faster than planned. By the 10^th day, i.e. tomorrow, I’ll be leaving for my in-laws place, and technically, mine. 5 days earlier than planned. Sometimes, I feel my hubby has a black tongue (with his name as well). ;-) He had told me initially to leave by 21^st, I had asked for a 27^th and settled for 24^th….but here I am… going on the 19^th!!

All these 9 days have just gone by like a mere minute of my clock. We are so greedy. Always asking for more…time, love, care, expression, attention, money, appreciation, and what not. Selfish me. Wanting more of this home of mine, more of the feeling that this place gives me, more of the fun we guys have done here. I, am, genuinely feeling that leaving this home as the newly wed was far easier than leaving it today. 10 months earlier I was leaving it yearning for more time with him, my new family, and our new life; whereas today I am literally yearning for more time here. Ever since I decided to prepone my travel, I am letting go that which would have led to a jewel if fallen on an animal. And I would have then, aplenty of them by now.

The thing which you desire the most make you wait for longer than normal, sometimes forever. Though, in my case, it won’t be a forever, yet there is one thing which I am still crying for. For this very person for whom this trip was being planned. For this very person for whom I wrote this. My elder sister. We have our own responsibilities to cater to, and above all she has my niece/nephew to be taken care of, in herself. I would not be able to meet her. Maybe, for a few hours, if possible, on the last day of this month. MAYBE. But, after coming this close to her, not being able to meet each other is eating us up. She hasn’t stopped crying ever since I told her. Neither have I. We are unable to speak anything over the phone. Only tears and howls are coming. Seeing this, my Mom and Dad have already shed tears. She is adamant to come to meet me, wherein I clearly want her not to travel. It is a crazy feeling. Bad feeling. But, practicality has to supersede... And tears have to lose.

J Spanking! ;-)

Jashn, my younger brother is fondly called 'J'...some fun at his expense that we guys did...texted him these one after another at the rate of 1 message/half hour ... fun it was.
Just thought would save it here so that we could laugh over it years later reading it here! :)

______________________________________

How would AR Rahman enquire for Jashn?
By singing: J Ho!! J Ho??

________________________________________

Whenever the world wants to appreciate a joke, they say: J Baat!! :P

________________________________________

Every Joke starts with 'J'!!
________________________________________

How does Jashn introduce himself?
Hi. 'M J.
________________________________________

What do you call Jashn when he wears a white t-shirt?
J K White!
________________________________________

Who will publish the biography of Jashn?
Jaypee Publishers!!

________________________________________

When asked about his Lords, Hanuman Ji says: J, Shree Ram!!
________________________________________

What will be Jashn's wife's name?
Jayshree!!
________________________________________

What will be Jashn called when he becomes a saint?
Swami Jay Dev!
________________________________________

What a big fuss is it if the person you are marrying is not a doctor and you're one??

Ages have gone by and we still have kept the notion of 'A Doctor's
best suitor is a doctor' alive. Yes, even I blindly believed it till I
had a reason to prove it wrong. Love.

The war of my worlds had begun, I thought. Putting forth the liason to
my family and their prompt approval felt great. His family, too, were
indeed happy, for their son had sought a girl. (The fact that he could
was a reason in itself for celebration.) ;-)

The fight that I had thought would be tough, and would have to be
fought with all the weapons out in the open was not a fight at all.
Their were no soldiers firing at me, no archers aiming at me, no
arguements thrown at me. Infact, this was a storm inside me, which I
had to calmen at my time of committment...this was the question within
me, which I had to answer...this was the decision that I had to firmly
take by myself....merely because of the myth our society has created
and believed ever since. In the absence of such a notion, I would not
have to give my 'Non-medic' guy so much of thought.

Anyways, being officially together was a relief and bliss. Some people
applauded my breaking the league, some people still pestered that
'Doctors understand each other's lifestyle better'. Fine.

Life is merrier and beautiful. Our wedding dates have been finalized.
8 months later we would be Man and Wife. Amidst such happiness,
there's another such upheavel whose genesis I find stupid, and
explanations unnecessary. For now, those storms, questions and my
decisions are not inside me, they are in the people I meet. For open
discussions, as if it were a debate competition or a panel discussion
with the people no less than 'experts'.

People are more interested in quoting the 'failed' cases to prove the
general notion than thinking about who they are arguing with. Even
that is fine, until they start predicting the future about how he
would dislike my night duties, how he wouldn't be able to understand
the pressures of this profession, how the professional life would
creep and kill my personal life. n blah n blah.

Sometimes, I wish I could hand them over a trophy and end the
conversation. They'll atleast feel a winner, how-so-ever insensitive
they might be.

Then, sometimes, I wish I could aggressively open fire and go -'Being
a doctor doesn't mean I can't marry a mortal human, when I too am the
same.' ; 'My specy hasn't changed. Not that I am a Homo sapiens
doctairre.' ; 'When did being a doctor become the minimum eligibility
to understand another doctor?'

But then, I don't.

For they would never understand.

For when I am happy, I don't need to shout and tell them that I am.
They'll know with time.

For one day, seeing me content, they'll quote my example to argue with
the one who says that 'Doctors should marry doctors'.

For the time will come, when such obsolete notions will disappear.

And even if it doesn't...I don't give it a damn! Shaping our life is
in our hands and our hearts. No false belief can distort it.


PS: The story and lives of two people are known to none other than
those two people themselves.

PPS: Love trespasses caste, creed, gender, professions.

Wild I go...

There's a good news I have to break here:
I'm getting married on the 1st of the Valentine Month next year, to my best guy friend. After an year of smooth, lovely and laughter-filled courtship, I know my life with him is not going to be any different.


Now that my marriage dates have been finalized, there's a whole lot of new things popping in my naughty mind (Naughty because I'm going to emotionally blackmail my family to fulfill these wishes in the name of me leaving them). Here's the list of the things I would want to do (atleast once) before I get 'taken'.


10 Things to do before I get married:


1. Get a pup for myself. (He hates them!!)


2. Get a bunch of tattoos made. (I'm sure he mustn't be very fond of them.)


3. Get myself a shape. (It's not exactly beautiful to be in a disproportionate body.)


4. Get a girly gang ready for a 2-3 day trip. (This is practically an impossibility with my current friends.)


5. Organize a Spinster's for myself, whose dress code would be 'minimalistic' and dance style 'dirty'. (Oh, I so miss my hostel parties.)


6. Paint 3 giant paintings in my current room and one more 'big' wall space in Dad-Mom's room. (This I will anyhows do!)


7. Take some vows in the name of God, so that I get a way to stop my parents from giving me expensive unnecessary stuff on marriage.
(They won't listen to my wishes otherwise.)


8. Go for a bike trip with my brother and explore the terrains of India. (Even a 2-3 day trip must be fulfilling.)


9. Go to a theatre and whistle loudly on dialogues and dance on fast numbers, like crazy. (I, sure, need my college friends for this.)


10. Smoke a cigarette, just one 'kash'. (Quite unlikely I'll do this.)




Wanna actually go wild, before I take the docile pet form. ;-)

Bin tere...

---------------------------------------
Two weeks before Sangeet
---------------------------------------
Ti: 'All right. It all has been very unorganized.'
Te: 'Oh yeah. I knew this would happen if we leave it for later. We ought to think about a theme, gal.'
'I was all the time waiting for you to do it. But, you had studies.'
'And you told me you'll decide that with Jeej.'
'Ohhh please, he knows nothing about these events. You knew that.'
'Yeah, I know that. :P'
'So, atleast decide your song.'
'Let's first decide yours and Jeej's.'
'That we both will do.'
Questioning, raised eyebrows, 'Ohkay.'

---------------------------------
A day before Sangeet
---------------------------------
Ti: 'What is the solo song that you've decided?'
Te: 'Let me see. Let the rest of things fall in place first. Yours and Jeej's not yet upto the mark. Mine, I'll see later.'
'Later? Do you want to dance at all, in a solo performance?'
'Haa Baba! Want to. But just can't get any time. You know na!'
'You better find a song.'

------------------------------------
Morning of 'The' day
------------------------------------
Brother: 'When will you practice yours, Te?'
Te: 'And what if I say I don't want to.'
'Doesn't matter. You'll rock anyways, even without a practice.'
'And what if I say I don't want to give a solo at all.'
'I'll say you're being bad.'
'What was last you saw me dancing alone?'
'Hmmm... A...Monu's marriage.....No....it was you and her. A....Jeenu's...Ah...Naah. Yeah...Been Quite long.'

-------------------------------------
During the function
-------------------------------------
Ti; Sad faced, almost about to cry, 'You're not dancing for me, on my marriage, na?'
Te: 'No. I am. Can it ever happen that way? Idiot.'

5 minutes later, for her sister's wishes, against her own wishes she was on the stage. Dancing. Alone. Without her. In the last many years of her life.
------------------------------------
I miss you, darling. Immensely.
I am all alone without you.
I am incomplete.
I LOVE YOU, Ti!!
---------------------------------

Priorities, People and Prayers

Sometimes, There's a time in life when all what you once wanted is offered to you;
The time for which you had once waited for, which you had dreamt of in every nap is happening; The time when your once made prayers are answered, exactly as they were asked for.

You feel happy that it happened...finally...in reality. Yet, you don't enjoy it, for it doesn't matter to you now, anymore.

Priorities, People and Prayers change. For the better.

Life is like a cup...and for now, mine's filled to the brim with love, care, compassion, content, stability, sensibility.
____

There's that one soul for every soul, which completes it and complements it, such that external influences no more disturb the steady state. Like the inert molecules which needs no more electrons, and is not disintegrated even in the presence of adverse environment.

If I ever knew about stability, It was all theoritical and superficial.

It is this - this thing, deep in my heart - which I never knew existed. It is now IN me...Stability.

Even in the most hostile situations, the set of things that always worried me, scared me...We didn't falter!
Agneepath, our love passed. Crossed it with ease.

Your love...is divine.
Your love defines me...creates me.

Mr. Nobody, With each day, you teach me love.

False perception

I thought I was tough for emergencies...

...Until I saw my Dad collapse (though only for a minute) to unconsciousness.


Dreaded Morning of 22.01.2012

When I once read Cholera could take lives due to dehydration, I wondered, 'Come on, Man! How can a few episodes of diarrhoea do this, especially when you'll anyways be increasing your fluid intake if you face such rice watery stools. And, besides...you've medicines available to control diarrhoea...Sporolac works so fine, Eno relieves the associated nausea, Rice-Curd mixture is so good, bananas will be at rescue.'

Ridiculing these situations in present times, I had ignorantly interpreted medicine textbooks.

Eight months back, when my Mom told me over the phone that Dad had become unconscious while in the toilet, and she has hospitalized him for some intravenous fluid administration, I concluded my Mom was being over-worried, and probably, I had become a bit more insensitive to illness. GI infection it was.

She was unable to understand how could a meager 4 episodes lead to such a situation. She was REAL worried, for she didn't want to lose him. He was the person who had loved her the most, defended her, praised her, and above all, the one who is with her no matter what happens. He was her partner. But, I felt she was taking the worry to an all-together new level, unnecessarily. Stolid, I was.

She left no stone un-turned...got him a Color Doppler for the carotids trying to locate if there's any deficit in supply to the brain; got him a 24 hour Holter ECG monitoring to find out if there's any pump defect; and got an Echo cardiogram done.

Reports were normal. This must have helped her ease the tension.

Cut it to this Saturday night...

Watery Stools...early morning....sometime around 4am...Mommy's shouting....'Teleeeeee! Teleeeee!'...the next moment I see my Dad sitting on the commode, his neck listlessly falling on Mom's chest, his hands hanging by the sides, and even with the 200 decibel shouting he refused to react.

That was enough to get me scared, shout, tremor, run amok....and know that no one's brave hearted when it comes to your dear ones.

I'm not Insensitive, Mom! I don't perceive so, anymore.

We revived him...A glass of water with a spoon of sugar and a pinch of salt...massaged his calf muscles to shift the blood reservoir of legs to central circulation...and raised his legs above the level of chest...made him have Electrol solution every 15 minutes...monitored his pulse...gave him Sporolac, antibiotics, vitamins, and easy to digest food.

The next morning, I was roaming around in the corridor, waiting for the Gastroenterologist to show up (On a Sunday) to rule out Carcinoid Syndrome. ;-)
Results negative. Relieved on one frontier, but tensed on another.
Don't want to let him stay alone...for any which purpose.

He's absolutely fine, now!

Inquisition

On a tete-a-tete with myself...

What am I supposed to be doing? 

What was my genesis for?

...Inquisitive, these questions irk me, for I fail to reach an answer to them!

And some answers that I hit...

To love, to appreciate...

To create, to enjoy...

To celebrate, to behold...

To lighten, to understand...

To solve, to breathe...

In the clear skies above the borderless earth

To transcend, to tranquilize...

To connect, to discover...

That life was beyond working...

It was about living,

To my heart's core...

Not to give in to the demands of time.

To fly free, to swim in water currents

and in midst stopping for some strength and some air.

Yes, I live in two different worlds...of my brain and of my heart...one which tries to stuff in wiseness and the
other which enraptures me to beauty and content...

Not difficult to guess which you'll find me right now in, Isn't it?

Courtesy Google for Images!

Diary, 7th Jan'12

Reading was never so good. I somehow feel i wud like to continue reading my subjects more than i thot i was willing to.

And harrison has seriously become interesting. Like that.

The whole adventure of finding d ans and reading frm diff books is a challenge to mental capacity and intellect and i like it.

Tho, a few days back I was clearly pinning against it, infact wanting to sue the aiims ppl for not declaring the questions and their set of answers...now I think, if they hadn't done this, we would have never exercised our brains, and would hv easily mugged up those ans frm d guides out in market, like the majority still does, and cracks exams.

I don't know how my ppr will go, bt m happy for i hv gained knowledge, for d sake of gaining, and giving this xam. I hvn't prepared for clearing this xam, which my colleagues and family members criticize. But, the smart thing is obviously that which i am nt doing. When reading i can't just end up reading wat is asked. I end up reading it in detail. Although tht clears my basics, bt in the long run, keeping in mind the huge huge matter available, remembering and recalling isn't fruitful if u hv nt read selectively. Application is one thing tht this xam sure teaches us.

Phew! Anyways, I'll be having another set of exams in Jan and Feb, and then my Sisters marriage in March. Yes, I am geared up for the battle...i.e. Tomorrow.

And, maybe for every battle there on, for now I know and feel the power of medicine. And, I would rather not quit it. Instead, I'm on a whole diff angle, enjoying it. Yeah!! :)

------------------------

Diary, 9th Jan'12:

Weeping in my quilt, I don't hv much to tell you...I have no idea what happened during those 210 minutes. I feel stunned, and after the last night news about the racket...I feel disgusted. Do I have a right to survive in this mean world of medicine without money? I was still happier yesterday...no, I guess...it was all inside me...heating up, accumulating up to burst right now. I feel even more lonely to leave this place at this moment, without a certainity, without a gone-good paper, without my partner...without any happiness at all.
I don't know if I would like to continue it any further. If my efforts are to see this day, I better not keep any hope. Cheated, I feel. Ruined, almost. Though, my knowledge is there with me, but with such betrayals, I feel like dumping it right here. Even if it would have been a bit better, only a bit, I wouldn't have bothered. Oh Phew! I just don't wanna write anymore...I just want to run away, far far away.