Mar 18, 2013

Words won't end...

This is an absolutely random post that I think I might be writing after ages (feels so...) It has been long and things have been keeping me busy...but this time I am not complaining...infact, there in nothing to complaint about. I have two beautiful families which are my own...a caring loving (a bit short tempered though) husband, a house which I run...which I so always wanted to!!, a good nice new life right here where I do not have to worry about any damn studies or exams or results (btw, I am waiting for one which is overdue by two months already)

Despite everything, there is a lull inside me...something that is missing...or something I am going to miss. I might be quite an emotional idiot sometimes...although I never be this kind for more than few seconds...My mom says that I am very practical...but somewhere I need to chuck this all out...and I somehow do not want to share it over phonecalls or messages or emails or personally to anyone..It has been a good long 1 month and 18 days since I vowed to become his wife and leave my home for his. It has been the longest time I have spent without my family. Not that I am unhappy, but it hurts....I can't talk this through to my Mom Dad, because they are the ones who are suffering the most....their darling has left them and their life has a big void. Mine is still occupied since I have new relations to handle, new responsibilities that keep me busy, and solace them by sounding happy even when sometimes I just want to go clench my mom and cry and hug and lie next to her. This has been the longest since I have not shared myself emotionally with my mom...And I can't. I can't talk this with my hubby, because he just cracks in a joke to make me laugh. But, it is right here inside me, sleeps for the while. I can't talk to his parents, because they too start crying seeing me cry. Weird, but yes...they are so very caring and loving. I don't go out much, don't talk to people/ neighbors...it all feels so time wasting...Blah Blah!

Besides this current phase, I have this another thing that keeps me sad...my hubby is gonna go for a 1 year course and in most probabilities I won't get to stay with him for my own career. It has not been long since we have been married, not that I can't live without him...not that I am addicted...but, this thought sends shivers down my spine...I hate to think that I am not going to have my mom-dad, his mom-dad, and him next to me. It feels so lonely and depressed to imagine myself like that. On one hand I wish to snatch some time with my family, and at the other I cry because I am actually subtracting it from 'our' time together. Suddenly, I am at loss of time for everyone...my family, his family, and us....and the time for myself has become extinct. I don't remember the last I thought about my career, myself, my future, my wishes, my desires.

Thoughts are many, words are infinite, emotions varied, things which I wanna do...lots....but time is a constraint...I feel myself to be in an hourglass...like the sand....trickling away........