Psychiatry Induced Depression

Borderline. ADHD. Bipolar. Depressed. Schizophrenic.

I seem to have all the traits that diagnose me into these.

Read them last on a night just before final year exam,

ended up crying, depressed, and believed that I would fail.

That night, friends came to rescue and the exam was given.

Read them today, again in the night & started to hate myself.

When a psychologist came to re-assure, over Whats-app, though.

'Everyone has traits of every psychiatric illness possible.

Having some of all is normal, but all of some becomes an illness.

Psychiatry, this subject plays with the mind. Go, Play with it.'

Our behavior is diverse. Our reactions are circumstantial.

You-Me-All are hypocrites. Human Brain is one.

Our immediate environment formulates, ridicules opinions.

Today, tomorrow, day after, our thoughts and beliefs change.

We are under continuous training...learning a new thing every moment.

Judging is easy. Understanding isn't. Blaming/ bitching is all fun.

We all do these. At different levels, about different people.

This is human nature, brain circuitry is therefore so complex.

It can make you a devil, a saint and a normal mortal. 

We do not become what we choose to become,

But we do choose what not to become!! ~ There-in lies our 'Personality'.

PS: I AM NEVER EVER GONNA BECOME A PSYCHIATRIST!!

The First Painting I did in ISB

Liberation

This was a photograph that I converted into a painting.
Liberation of thoughts, of sexuality, of breaking free from self-imposed limitations.
And the individual whom I gifted this is a 'young' lady who speaks her mind, has an opinion, lives on her own terms, and lives it really large.

Note to Self!

Sometimes, we are just on a mission to prove ourselves.

And, history has it, at precisely those very moments, we will fail.

Do it when YOU want to do it and not to SHOW others that you can!!

Days of Love

She waits at dinner for him, he apologizes.

He leaves for his office, they mentally share a kiss.

6:30 AM! Alarm goes off. He over-zealously puts this alarm despite sleeping at 2 in the night. She snuggles close to him, reaches out to the phone and disables the alarm. He asks her to get him up in 15 minutes. She wakes up to his aroma 2 minutes later. Mornings start with his peaceful face in the last lap of sleep.


She goes to the door, collects the newspaper and milk packets. He likes his milk hot when suffering from cough. She likes it cold, always. Milk boils over the stove and the newspapers reach his side of the bed along with a wake-up call. He wishes her a good morning, she prepares his breakfast. Twice or thrice in the midst, her name is called for something that he is searching for. In one of these times, they hug for a good one minute, and the world stops in its chaos.

His milk is ready on the table just as he likes it…with Chocolate syrup and flakes. She dices a couple of fruits. He has his breakfast; she packs a box with hot paranthas for him to eat in the cab on his way to office.  He brings the suit coat and hands over to her. She makes him wear the coat; he coughs. She inquires about the medicines and he says he has forgotten to take them, but he will take them today, surely. She gets angry, scolds and he barges out of the door. She shouts, 'Have a good day!'. He replies, You too. She stays there at the door, watching him walk the corridor. He is rushing with short but rapid footsteps. He turns his head, sees her standing at the door, looks into her eyes and transfers a smile. Her eyes sparkle. 

Our love....

His love was loud, his support outright,
His words solved my riddled mind
His care calmed the tides of the soul,
His acknowledgement infused new life,
His smile snatched those drops of worry
His eyes narrated the sonnet of our love.

Fluid thinking

She said, the class is way too boring. The mam is teaching very very slowly. Wasting precious time as well. 10 minutes into the lecture had put me into the dilemma whether to attend it or utilize my time by studying at home. 10 minutes more into the class, and I finally got up and left. Although, I did not study the complete day and would have definitely gained more on being there in the class.

Have a thinking process like a fluid; aligns itself to the company it stays in....takes the shape of the container it is put into. Analysis takes a backseat. When in company, my individual opinion and choices are overlooked my myself. Decisions are manipulated by the group's mentality. My priorities go into sudden Brownian motion....juggle itself and I take up poor decisions, not good for me. Sometimes, I should stay away from groups of people so as to preserve my individuality. To focus clearly on my target, to not be influenced by other's opinions. Actually, I just need to be out of touch with people, so that I can study.

Isolation!!!!

Marriage = Adjustments

Two of my friends are getting married and are having their share of worries about how will they live according to their in-laws. Their worries are based on the torturing experiences that other women have recited to them. What they are unaware about is the amount of adjustment one has to put in to adjust according to your life partner as well. 

There is a pattern that I have observed. They all seem so supportive till engagement, promising to go lengths to make you feel at ease. Post engagement, they want you to understand that you have to go according to your family's wishes and do certain things in certain ways. Post-marriage, you are left alone in the house of your new family trying to adjust. For him it is home, and he conveniently overlooks that it might be new for us and we might be actively remolding ourselves every minute that we spend there. A mention of even a small thing that hurt you is taken aggressively with anger and it becomes a lonely world from there on. You're left to not share the bad moments of the day with him so as to avoid the confrontation that will make you feel even more lonelier. Yeah, that's the kind of partner that every Indian Male becomes. Wait, continue to read...it isn't that way forever. Post the initial 1-2 years of the married life, the guy now starts to understand that his wife has given so much to the family and that she might also be needing some love, affection and someone to share her heart out. The time when he starts to adjust for you. This is the stage when the couple has really fallen in love, in its truest sense. When there is not merely reception of love, but also reciprocation.

It might seem tough and hard in the middle, but patience and tolerance and true love will cruise you through. Give, Give, Give. You'll surely reap sweet fruits sooner or later.

Scrutiny curbs expression

Having read the last few posts on this blog makes me feel sad for what I have done with my hobby of writing. There has been a clear downgrading in terms of content and frequency. The frequency doesn't really bother me as much as does the quality of content that I have been posting, which mainly involves putting into words what I have been doing in my life. Grammar has been at an all time low. There is a constant censoring of content that is going on internally. Feelings and emotions are being back spaced. I am scared of what write up of mine might be interpreted in what sense and how much will I have to explain myself for a point that I make here. This blog is being read and followed by our families and friends and every article of mine may lead to a variety of conclusions. It is like being watched day in and day out. Scrutiny is curbing my freedom of expression.

Every post that I write just means a part of my thought process/ feelings that I want to express. The state of mind is dynamic and life keeps on changing. So, a post of some negative observation should be equally welcome with the dozen positive happy posts that one writes. I am not one eternally happy soul, I do have my lows, I do feel hurt. And I would want to express my heartbreak equally as I shout out my joys. My perspective is mine and nobody has the power to impose theirs onto mine. I agree to disagree, and I want the freedom to not say a yes to a thought I don't believe in. I think I have been tired of living my life on someone else's terms. Being the bride and bahu was all fine, you have to appease the society and the people who are important to you. You've to take care of their sentiments and sensibilities. But, for those times when I want to be me, and independent of other influences, I will turn up to blogger. Blogger is a medium for me to know myself better. Let it be that way!!

Brushing Up!

About 8 months back, I had purchased art supplies worth Rs. 3000 with the idea of gifting my husband a painting for completing our 6 months of married bliss. Hmm, well... I procrastinated from 6 months to 13 months...and now, I do have the painting fever on me. I have made one, and am going on to make a few more. We are going to relocate in 15 days and before leaving I am making some paintings for the friends that we have made here. Personalizing the gifts, basically, in a time when we are also wanting to curb our expenses. Yeah, we're poor right now!! *sobs

Cooking is my other passion these a days, and my friends have loved all the dishes I tried, and are insisting me to share the recipes with them. Hence, you might come across this blog having some tried and tested recipes. (All have their sources from The Internet, and slight tricks that I did with it.)

We did this small baby shower for one of our friends and I had one hour to do the decor. Girls who thought it would be a boy, had to turn up in Blue and who thought it be a Girl had to wear Pink. We all turned up in Pink!!

Well, she had a baby boy!!! So, we kinds of sucked at prediction. :-P

We celebrated Holi, and it was one of the few memorable ones.

 We had color filled pools, gulaal, artificial rain setup, awesome loud music being played, drinks, pav bhaji, chole kulcha, jalebi, kachori, samosa, dahi-wada, thandai, drums of water, pichkaaris and a whole bunch of happy people around. It was FUN!!

How are you doing?

Pure satisfaction!

Taking this flight, to meet Him. ;-) The moment I have been waiting for since quite a few days...(this has been the longest span of separation between me and him post marriage.) Yeah, we are gonna be beating our own records with time. Haha! And tonight we complete a year of naughtiness laden lovely life. ;-))

This trip of mine has been one which is gonna be remembered forever. I, actually, got to live with Ankit's maternal as well as paternal grandmothers, the most important ones among the other relatives whom I met. They both are such cute ladies, full of love, care and compassion. Very few people get this opportunity to get blessings from their elderly, and I feel truly blessed.

Special to me will be Ankit's dadiji. She is such an individual who'll smile with her eyes. Her face itself exudes happiness, her nature makes you just love her unconditionally and miss her when she's not around. She loves to talk and laugh...about household things, about the eras she has witnessed. You just need to sit next to her and she will talk about how she changed the diet of dadaji post his heart attack, how she used to live with the kids and so many petty things with proper details. Blissful stories they are. Enchanting.

Ageing, some osteoporosis and three lower limb fractures have rendered her unable to stand. She maintains wee bit of her movement by shifting on her arms and forearms. She stays happy with what-so-ever she has, never says a damn thing that might hurt anyone. All these days I had never listened her say even a word that might even hint towards slightest of a complaint. Pure satisfaction.

What bothers me right now is her health. She has been in constant pain since the last 4 days. On the first day, she didn't even tell anyone about the pain. The second day, we could see it on her face. Dull. The eyes not quite shining. And the last two days she has been writhing in pain...despite medications and massages. It is a neuopathic plus bone pain because of the deformed vertebrae. So, while I am whiling my time here at the airport, she must be bearing the pain as tomorow she will be hospitalized for deciding the next line of management by undergoing the battery of investigations.

A strange feeling swept me when I was leaving the home... Maybe I might never get so much of love from her ...of ankit and aditi's share also....which I got this time.

May God grant her a longer and essentially a pain free life ....so that she blesses her grand-grandkids in future. See the mother in me already got selfish!!

...And tears have to lose!

While Sleepless in Seattle plays on Romedy Now (one channel that I am in love with these a days) on the 17’ screen of the 20 something years old television set of ours, tears know no boundaries. This drawing room of our home seems so huge, that it has started to make me feel emptier. I am on a trip back home. It is my 9^th day at home, I haven’t stepped out for more than three occasions. Am just letting the home feeling sink in, but it all is ending faster than planned. By the 10^th day, i.e. tomorrow, I’ll be leaving for my in-laws place, and technically, mine. 5 days earlier than planned. Sometimes, I feel my hubby has a black tongue (with his name as well). ;-) He had told me initially to leave by 21^st, I had asked for a 27^th and settled for 24^th….but here I am… going on the 19^th!!

All these 9 days have just gone by like a mere minute of my clock. We are so greedy. Always asking for more…time, love, care, expression, attention, money, appreciation, and what not. Selfish me. Wanting more of this home of mine, more of the feeling that this place gives me, more of the fun we guys have done here. I, am, genuinely feeling that leaving this home as the newly wed was far easier than leaving it today. 10 months earlier I was leaving it yearning for more time with him, my new family, and our new life; whereas today I am literally yearning for more time here. Ever since I decided to prepone my travel, I am letting go that which would have led to a jewel if fallen on an animal. And I would have then, aplenty of them by now.

The thing which you desire the most make you wait for longer than normal, sometimes forever. Though, in my case, it won’t be a forever, yet there is one thing which I am still crying for. For this very person for whom this trip was being planned. For this very person for whom I wrote this. My elder sister. We have our own responsibilities to cater to, and above all she has my niece/nephew to be taken care of, in herself. I would not be able to meet her. Maybe, for a few hours, if possible, on the last day of this month. MAYBE. But, after coming this close to her, not being able to meet each other is eating us up. She hasn’t stopped crying ever since I told her. Neither have I. We are unable to speak anything over the phone. Only tears and howls are coming. Seeing this, my Mom and Dad have already shed tears. She is adamant to come to meet me, wherein I clearly want her not to travel. It is a crazy feeling. Bad feeling. But, practicality has to supersede... And tears have to lose.

Bahut Naa-insaafi Hai Re !!

12 months of marriage bliss, a loving caring and funny boned life partner, a set of new parents who treat me as their own, an extremely caring and daughter like sister. My own family is content with their daughter's happiness but silently they cry...in bathrooms, over sleep, in thoughts, and since they hail from my kin, in tears ...overtly...to be near to me, to be able to spend sometime with me. But, I can't . Distances, situation, and above all, the responsibilities of three families: his, mine and ours; and the onus of handling all, invariably has to be borne by the girl...A young girl who grew up to a lady in the hour of pheras. Indian fathers should christen their daughter's marriage by saying to their wives, "Honey, I grew up your daughter!"

Life is unfair. One girl, three families, a dozen people's emotions, and one life.


...Time To do what she actually wants to do? ...None!