Personal Rants

Can I ever become normal?

Can I stop committing mistakes?

Can I start being responsible for myself - in my personal and professional lives?

Can I not be complacent?

Can I actually work towards becoming something, someone & not just end up being a lucky idiot who is being looked after and saved by God?

Can i actually become good and caring and intelligent and hard working and dedicated and committed?

Why does it only come to me in flashes ? In periods of long gaps?
Why can't I ALWAYS be motivated to do things?

Why should I just let go off myself??
Why should I not be harsh on myself? The new age teaching and preaching will not take me anywhere...

Why should I misuse the life, love and trust that people have it on me?

Can I not be anymore selfish than this...this extreme that I have already reached?

Can I control all this shit that I have created for myself?

Why should I not be morally correct? Why should I not let go off my dark side??

For whose benefit should I not tame my dark, black, negative side?
It is not good & not right & I should tame it and rule it and curb it down--wrap it in a box of iron and throw it away.

I am meant to be a white, optimistic, positive, non-cribbing, happy person; I was bred that way & now, I shouldn't let this black overpower me...

High time I should stop giving lame excuses about wanting to live life my way... as my way is NOT the right way...It is a bloody wrong path...& I shall and will not let it govern me.

All the negatives - all the pride, the false pride, the procrastination, the hatred, the anger, the lust, the feeling of superiority in wisdom, the distrust, the paranoia, the complaining-cribbing-crying, the blame-game; all is gone...

GONE....
gone from my dictionary, from my life....

I am a changed woman....
...more receptive, more humble, more understanding, more trusting, more loving, more caring, more calmer and more proactive....



All the changes which i underwent in the last decade....all the hurt that flamed and fueled them is what I am letting go today...as that is burning me from inside...hollowing me from within....
I am the victim of my own thoughts and experiences....

As i held them for too long and reminded and replayed them at every possible chance to burn me even more....

And I decide to change it today....For...Ever....

I am the Telly that I was brought up as....by my parents, with my siblings, under extra care of my grandparents, and not altered by the world so mean....

If the world can change me as a person, then where is the strength in my upbringing...

I shall not let it down....Ever!!

Letting it go ...(c) Tele_Jane 2011 @Scheveningen Beach - DenHaag

Release!!

7 days... Yes, had unpacked and arranged our new abode by the 2nd day itself, had formed a good schedule by the 4th day, had taken out the books by the 5th day...and here comes the problem...two days, not a word has been read, despite ample amount of time and circumstance. What bothers me is not that I am not being able to do so, but what ires me is the fact that how long do I have to keep on doing that, and why do I still have to do that!! 4 months and 19 days has it been since I appeared for the exam and yet the results are under 'stay' for some trillion rich under the table course sellers. It is SAD plight. Yes, and it is something which makes me feel so insignificant...there is nothing we guys can do to save us from this mental torture, the unemployed status, and the game people are playing on their iphone5/ ipad mini named, 'Career of Indian MBBS Doctors'.

I do not like staying here at home and cooking some damn breakfast, lunch, dinner everyday of my life. I do not like surfing the internet over the damn JR jobs jn hospitals and ending the search because I yet cannot certainly say for how long would I be working with them. I do not like opening and re-reading the damn stuff again and going through the same procedure of writing an exam. Above all, I need to do something coz sitting idle is the only thing I love to hate. I do not like this factor of uncertainity in my life. I need a release. We need a release.

Photo “Memory” by Andrés Nieto Porras #OGQ http://bgh.ogqcorp.com/share/h/kz5sm
For more pictures by Andrés Nieto Porras visit http://www.anieto2k.com/