Can I ever become normal?
Can I stop committing mistakes?
Can I start being responsible for myself - in my personal and professional lives?
Can I not be complacent?
Can I actually work towards becoming something, someone & not just end up being a lucky idiot who is being looked after and saved by God?
Can i actually become good and caring and intelligent and hard working and dedicated and committed?
Why does it only come to me in flashes ? In periods of long gaps?
Why can't I ALWAYS be motivated to do things?
Why should I just let go off myself??
Why should I not be harsh on myself? The new age teaching and preaching will not take me anywhere...
Why should I misuse the life, love and trust that people have it on me?
Can I not be anymore selfish than this...this extreme that I have already reached?
Can I control all this shit that I have created for myself?
Why should I not be morally correct? Why should I not let go off my dark side??
For whose benefit should I not tame my dark, black, negative side?
It is not good & not right & I should tame it and rule it and curb it down--wrap it in a box of iron and throw it away.
I am meant to be a white, optimistic, positive, non-cribbing, happy person; I was bred that way & now, I shouldn't let this black overpower me...
High time I should stop giving lame excuses about wanting to live life my way... as my way is NOT the right way...It is a bloody wrong path...& I shall and will not let it govern me.
All the negatives - all the pride, the false pride, the procrastination, the hatred, the anger, the lust, the feeling of superiority in wisdom, the distrust, the paranoia, the complaining-cribbing-crying, the blame-game; all is gone...
GONE....
gone from my dictionary, from my life....
I am a changed woman....
...more receptive, more humble, more understanding, more trusting, more loving, more caring, more calmer and more proactive....
All the changes which i underwent in the last decade....all the hurt that flamed and fueled them is what I am letting go today...as that is burning me from inside...hollowing me from within....
I am the victim of my own thoughts and experiences....
As i held them for too long and reminded and replayed them at every possible chance to burn me even more....
And I decide to change it today....For...Ever....
I am the Telly that I was brought up as....by my parents, with my siblings, under extra care of my grandparents, and not altered by the world so mean....
If the world can change me as a person, then where is the strength in my upbringing...
I shall not let it down....Ever!!
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| Letting it go ...(c) Tele_Jane 2011 @Scheveningen Beach - DenHaag |
