Unpredictable Me...

At my best.

I have been acting extremely unpredictably... to the extent that not only others, but even I am getting a feeling of being an alien to my very own body.

Strange. It is.

Don't know where my heart lies, don't know where my mind lies and also,don't know where my soul lies. All the '3 Idiots' are moving at face paces, making me think lots of things. In diverse directions. They are not in unison. And hence, I am at my lowest, cognitively.

Things have been in such Brownian motion, that I stand very very close to insanity. (Which will become public, once I let my mouth speak...which, fortunately, I am not letting happen!)
But, for sure, If some one does get to listen to what averse metabolic things are going on in my body, its gonna result in some sort of immense repulsion. (They would run for thier lives, the mentally challenged that I am being.)
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1. I don't want to leave my Mom-Dad ever. Just want, that for ever my life, I,just, have an accountability to them. Only them.


Being answerable to anyone...is weird. And the idea just doesn't click.

Every day of my life, I want myself to call my mum-dad, tell them what all happened in the by-gone day.
I want to send my Dad-Mum my monthly salary.
I want to use their Bank accounts. Want to see their names on the credit cards.
And want to call them and ask them, 'Can I withdraw the money, from this n that account? Do we have the balance in this account?'.
I want to reach back home, and serve the food for everyone. Shout in the house and call them for food, 'Daddy, ab mein khana laga chuki hoon. Come fast.' And we could have our food together, in one platter, on the 'pattiya', seated on the floor.
And we would look at each other, when someone has to get up and fetch something from the kitchen. And finally, only Mumma will get up and bring the required. :-)

I want to be the chota-sa shaitan bachcha...the 'Lanka', the 'melody', the 'raavan' for my mumma. The 'Betu' for my Daddy. OHHH...!!

I don't wanna grow up. I don't wanto live without them.


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2. And the other thing sprinting through my white matter is:
I wanna break this belief, that marriage is essential for sustenance.
(this is my Mum's belief!)

I don't think I'll ever find a reason strong enuff to part ways and mainly, PART LIVES from my parents. No Love could overpower my parents.

And, no one could understand me better than my parents.

And If I am not gonna find the same stuff there; Infact, If I am going to find something less than what I have now, 'fir mein usse kyun lu?' That would be 'A No-Deal'

Not that I am not ready to take the responsibilities of a marriage. I can. But, I don't want to.
I seriously wonder, If I am made for marriages? Or, I would rather say, 'Whether Marriages are made for me ?'

I am comfortable in a relation. Wherein I am still my mom-dad's and I am receiving that extra portion of love.
Without any extra duty towards any family other than mine. Only with my own Sur-name. Don't want that the feeling of being some-one else develops when I take my own name. Wanto be Plainly 'Telly Jain'. Not Some 'Telly Jain _____' !

Also, I do not want newer relationships. A relation would never bore me. I would not be un-faithful. The kinds that would want changes in their love-life.
I would always be a 'One-Man Woman'. But, 'devoting' my life to one individual (ala getting married to someone) requires a 'chamatkar' and some 'super-humanly qualities' in the person, coz only then would I ever be able to 'think-about' leaving my family.


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3. And the most important: I am not able to study.
And That is the specific reason for my unpredictable mind...(Lots of the weirdest things have not been put here...) and my unpredictable attitude...(Not putting the absolutely stupid things and acts and tasks and telephonic conversations that I have indulged into.)

If I would have put my brain into studying, I would not have been acting in such a psychotic manner.
But, I did, I am doing. and I will try not to.

Appears, the last few weeks of Final Year really got the better of me. :(

Tele Says: Love your parents, and not leave them.
Wish all my life would be spent in front of their eyes, and I could see them daily.

I WISH !!