Do you remember?

How do I say

how I felt that day,

when we met last?

I know, now it’s a thing of past.

Haah!14 months have passed,

the time since I last basked

in the warmth of your arms.

Weren’t we under the charms

Of our togetherness,

our love & our happiness?

The day was so divine,

Your eyes no less than a ravine,

Into which was trapped

My emotions and my soul- unwrapped.

You remember, our eyes were fixed

at each other’s. Weren’t we jinxed?

We spent moments staring,

at the depth of our caring.

Weren’t those few hours captivating?

Wasn’t it in any way, less than dreaming?

The few microseconds of isolation,

Weren’t those the time of devotion,

To the emotions which ruled,

And the hormones which drooled?

Clenching my wrist,

You made me drift

To the place, where your heart thumped

And where my insecurities lay, dumped.

Google Images

Weren’t you beating heavily?

Wasn't I breathing audibly?

Slowly, my face lay there buried.

Feelings of being secure, rushed, hurried;

That hug encapsulated & soothed me,

Wasn’t this where I always wanted to be?

Here, winters are chilling and cold,

You know,

I still carry those memories, untold.

The cool air-breeze sends me a spine-chill

Like the ways, 

Your proximity made me feel.

Blankets give me the warmth

Like the ways, 

That hug had lend.

Warm water bath generates flames & fumes,

Like the ways, 

Your touch did, when our love bloomed.

Winters…

All, it may give me,

But not the feeling to be

With you in your arms,

Safe, secure, and having no qualms.

Google Images

Tell me, why winters make me remember you?

Why do they drop me in the moods so blue?

Don’t you think it was the high of our lives?

Don’t you miss me, our love and those positive vibes?

Don’t you?

Soul-mates !

Written on Oct.26, 2009

Amidst the whole doom encapsulating me, since long, I witnessed a ray of sunlight, a moment of pleasure. Long had been the wait, and low had been my morals. Many a times, had I been put to motivation, put to caress, put to the Label 'Most important and Blessed treasure' in someone's life. But, that was all upto conversations.
Time had its constraints, and priorities put its limitations. Meeting each other used to be Just a dream for us.
But, Not today.

Its been a tough time for both of us, and its only been our presence in each other's life, that we have drifted slowly and positively to a place where our destination seems far, but, definitely not 'unachievable'. And, its only because we'll be there with each other, for each other.

Amidst all the tension brewing up over the ICMR project completion, and my going 'nuts' over the scheme of things, nothing could have been adequately charging enough, if not the Visit.
Though, every one has to wait for things to happen, but, believe me, It does happen at the 'most correct and appropriate moment.' Hence, wait, and you'll be suitably rewarded.

Spending some few hours together, in front of each other, talking one-on-one, with only Air separating us, and not a 'Lifeline' telephonic instrument, Is LIFE to me.



Our Friends, Us, and my eldah Sibling all went to some really scenic places. I suppose, I have noticed their scenic beauty only since there was a person making my life beautiful, standing besides me, at inches breadth.
The vision to the world changes with mood.
I repeat...
The vision to the world changes with mood. Big time.

The stroll to those places, with the occasional un-intentional slight friction of skin, sent shivers down our spines. Why is it that only a particular person 'the one tailor-made-for-you' is able to transmit such touch? Never do you feel that sensation in your body. Forget friction, even a complete touch doesn't make you feel this. Strange. But, I guess, its the feelings that move in your nerves rather than the sensations.

Going Back home, We met some more of my friends. All had been really eager to meet us. Some lovely time spent with my family, still remains our 'Best moments of the Day'
Your love towards my family, your responsibility towards me, that you so unfailingly carry, your ability to win hearts, your answerability towards my family, that you diginifiedly fulfill. Your being my family and me being yours, makes me complete.

Thanks for coming in and completing my life.
Nah...Thanks for making my Life worthwhile. Thanks for giving me loads of reasons to enjoy and love life.

No doubt, a 'I Love You' seems superficial and so small now... It all is, now, beyond this.

I can only Thank God for sending such a special person for me, in my life. And Thank my family for making me meet you.



Soul-mates !
'Popeye n Maggi'

To be inscribed in History...Forever. In Rose-petals. In white feathers. In our Souls.

Creeper

Photo : Bresson Thomas

Seeming like a strong-stemmed tree,

Creeper sometimes, I turn to be.

Looking for an emotional support,

Weak and meek, I long for comfort,

Comfort of being free from charges & duties,

And being far away from my own responsibilities.

There's a backbone I need to rest on,

And need the mattress to sleep & yawn.

Have been this way since long,

First, it ws Dad & Mom, to whom I've belonged,

Then it ws puberty,who made me a lover,

D feelings erupted which were under cover.

Need to be true & open-booked,

So that the special-allowed-one who looked,

In a stance, knew me from within.

And not see a puzzle which they'd just begun.

The unpredictable emotional highs & lows,

The negative which sometimes so abundantly flows.

Showing it all, keeping nothing concealed,

I need the one, to whom everything would be revealed.

Every strong lion needs to be cuddled,

With tender love, care & joy- bundled.

Many roam a free, with no belonging,

But, I am not that one; I need that bonding-

Of coming back home to be owned by someone,

In front of whom make-up & manipulations are not done.

Each day I walk graciously like a swan-

Calm, composed & needing no man.

Times elapse, and so does my strength,

Acting independent for such length

Unwraps my emotional inners;

Makes me weak & actively search for anchors.

Smiling, cheering, teasing, talking that I do,

I might just be deriving my solace from you,

Or might be making your attention my fodder

to regain the energy & grow up stronger

So that I re-enter the forests, wild & thick,

Giving the slightest-of-the-bond, a nick.

It sometimes feels like a parasite

Grows within me. With each bite,

It sucks its love, its nutrition,

neglecting, ignoring your condition.

How-so-ever guilty it feels moments later,

the evil does its job, & I'm its biggest hater.

Curbing it, Subliming it, I've tried

But, it is the soul to which it is tied.

Sensing host around, it multiplies in power

Flourishes, glees, and rejoices in pamper.

But, it has to leave to another land,

Because relying on it, you can't.

It has nothing to give, nothing so good,

It is nothing but a hollow log of wood.

It might just be a commensal, that I am,

Or just another healthy inter-dependent. Damn.

Pessimism takes its toll on me,

Making me sometimes what I be,

See, I’ve grown to my senses again,

Yes, the energies completed its regain.

Cold exteriors I’ve adorned,

And, I walk out, as the King, re-throned.

Poetic Spirits

They say spirits exist.

I have a reason to believe it now.

My junior, Anubhav, sms-ed me:

Merry Christmas di. What do you want from Santa this time? I'll tell Santa to gift you a PG degree OR a cute and bold guy who would love you. Ohk??

I replied:

No either no or, 
No neither no nor. 
I need both of them, 
but, let the right time come.
May be the next winter would be fine,
To have a PG degree, and a guy all mine.

His reply:
So, what is it that you're asking for, this year?


Me:

This Christmas's gonna be a cheer,

To all my buddies and friends so dear,

Would want their presence

to celebrate our friendship,

Coz it's a suspense,

Where we'll be

As we end our internship.

It's time for the laughter, the tears

And the frowns

As we'll remember the times 
We acted like clowns.

It's friendship that's on the agenda tomorrow,

May Santa bless each one joys and no sorrow.

And, what is it that Santa should be giving you??

He:
hmmm.. A cute girl would be fine... hehe.


Me:

The time is now,

to fell how

being in love means.

Let the beans

of care sow,

Then you'll know

a simple girl

With that cute curl,

would look so good,

So pure, sans the hood

Of ego, air & richess

Would seem to be ur princess.

But, when u find one,

Don't think you're done.

Respect her, & care all you can,

Treasure her for the love has just began.

Santa sends you love this season,

Don't let her go for any mere reason.

But, it comes with a Statutory warning:

You have to always keep her happy and smiling.

He:
Oh Di! You rhyme so good. Aap galat aa gaye medicine me. (You've wrongly come into the medical sciences.)

Me:

Humare hunar ki tareef karne ke liye dhanyawaad,

Medical mein na aate to zaroor rehte aabaad,

Par karm ka fer hai,

Aur kismat ka mel hai,

Jahan kavitaen sunaana likha tha, 
logon ko sukoon dena socha tha,

Ab davaiyaan likhenge,

logon ko marz se mukt karenge,

Magar khush-kismat to fir bhi rahenge,

Dilo ko jeetne aaye the, wo to jeet-te hi chalenge.

It was a spirit that made me write these small poems in fast, quick replies to him.
Haha! But, it is lovely getting those spontaneous strokes right. :-)

Btw,

Merry Christmas!! 

Curettage

Isn't there anything like a cardiac D & C

or a Cerebral S & E?

Wish there was a way to get rid of the vegetation that denies to drift outta the heart. 

And a way to bring back the neurons to settings 'default', and put into the bin: the spam, the rags that are of no use anymore, the bits of memories that smell, the false promises that were not kept, the sweet talks that have fermented, the lies that broke the relation, and the soul that evaporated. 

God...

Suck away the hopes my mind built, pulverize the dreams you seeded, curette the helplessness I feel, and give me back my intact-unbroken-unplayed-unhurt heart back. 

Give me back my love, and my peace.

Don't wanna be caged in love!

Set me free.

God, can't you format me?

Break ke baad...

67!
No,that's not my grandpa's age, but my current weight.
No blames can be put since no reason is strong enough to stand the demolish. It's completely been my fault, to have let inactivity rule and gourmet eating schedules take over.
But, there can't be any two ways about it. Only loss can be a gain here.

Walking needs far too much motivation.
Dancing needs some awesome music and abundant space.
Yoga and Aerobics, I don't know.
Eating less doesn't let me concentrate on anything but food.
Healthy eating was the only retort I was left with.

So, I took to this step. It's been just one meal of such eating, and I'm literally puking.

Half-a-glass of Mixed Fruit Juice; an apple, and two small serves of salad.
Horrible.

It's pathetic to be in this size. Clothes don't fit. Body doesn't support you in moving. This is a vicious cycle.

The more fat you gain, the more inactive you become, and you gain even more.

If it breaks, it is fine. If it doesn't, I'll work on it.


One more vicious cycle is this 'Success'.
Once you achieve success, the expectations rise, and to fulfill those you succeed even more. (Without having a moment to find a reason, a motto behind what you're doing, you blindly take the next step!)

Being trapped  in one such cycle for years together, I had to break it.
Inside it I was dying. Walking the path I had once chosen had never been so depressing.
But also, there wasn't any priviledge of a reverse gear. The lane had to be crossed.
With me nearing the end, the newer hopes had already been concocted by my Gods.
Unfortunately, reaching there we discovered that there were no by-lanes. The lane instead got more rigid, tough; and in order to move ahead, one ought to clear the obstacles.

The world around me is running a race, to be able to make it across. They're toiling. Many have the passion, many have no other option, and many are unaware.


And, I am here-sitting along the road, staring at them;
'coz I am aware that this is not what I wanna do immediately after,
'coz I can foresee some 'rare kachcha raastaas' that divert for some distance (whether they re-join or not- I don't know),
and 'coz my passions are driving me to take a stop - the passion of doing that in which the heart lies, and with perfection.

This might be a few-months stop or longer, but I know after that, I would drive into the way that I would be sure of.
Exploration and adventure would always be a part.

But as of now....Medical Arena-->>

I'll be back...

Break ke Baad! ;)

The Important Men of my life…

…And what I learnt from them… !
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Other than my Father, Brother, Jijaji, and other family members.
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First of all, I have put ‘Men’ here… coz, I have, for most of the times been in their company, more so than girls. Don’t know why, but have always had boys as better friends than girls. Not that I don’t have any girl as a friend. I have a few, which are dear, very dear, namely…Wish, Bugzy, Honey, Anks, Kookie, TJ Snr, and My Mum ! Will write about what I have learnt from them, sometime later.

But, as of now, It’s the Men who are gonna hog this space…

Aks…
A guy, whom I met first during my college. Earlier an unnoticed guy, he came into the picture, when during our very first dance in the college, in the Fresher’s Party, he joined our group, just the night before the performance, in place of a guy who had fallen sick. So, there he was, dancing ‘near-to-perfection’, as if he had been practicing day and night with us. Impressive he had been. Well, that had brought him into my college-mate list. With each semester, we came to know each other better. Now, he happens to be the closest friend of mine. He happens to be probably the only guy to whom I speak what I feel, about each and every incident. He knows everything about my life. He is my Mind-Reader. He knows exactly what would be going on in my mind. And he is an expert at scolding me (for not studying) and advising me when things don’t fall in place.
He’s the perfect Friend I could have ever had.
He’s true, sensitive, caring, extremely understanding, crystal clear about what he wants in life. Its only because of him, that I survived some tough times of my life. Learnt what ‘true friendship’ actually means. Its sheer luck that I have him.

Rish..

Another college mate of mine. In the first year of college, never interacted with him, because he happens to be of my religion, and talking to him, would have created stir in the college. And people would have easily termed it as a ‘setting’. We were always very uncomfortable talking to each other, subconsciously thinking about what the world would think. It was 2nd year, we were organizing a cultural evening. And he was amongst the one’s who were against us. The day before the event, they had created a big scene. I was called upon as the fight had led to the boycott of the event, by our very own batch…and almost 70 people were against us. I had a long discussion with some 7 people of the ones opposing us, and he was amongst them. I still remember, he had said, “Telly, I did not oppose the whole event earlier, only because you were conducting it. But now, the things have gone beyond tolerance. Some people are treating us badly. And, also, its only because ‘you’ are discussing the matter with us, that we all are here. Had it been anyone else, we would have not turned up.” All done, the event did go on to become the most ‘different’ event of our college life. There on, we have been good friends, to become the Brother-Sister duo in the play that bagged the first prize in Spandan (as against the very-very nicely directed play by our seniors.). Then came the Nukkad Natak, which also bagged the first prize. Hmm. Now, he too happens to be a very close friend of mine. He is the one who has taught me that everything should not be told to everyone. Don’t run around shouting about what is going on in your life, to everyone. Live also a life beyond what is seen to the janta. Controlling your emotions, and keeping them to yourself…is what I have learnt from him. (Though, I still can’t do all this!) He’s extremely sensible, mature in taking decisions. He’s the guy who lives in the present with the future in his eyes. None of his actions are not well-thought off. We might not be talking to each other that frequently, but know what is going on in each others life, and need be, we would be there for each other.

Mr. Nobody…

Hmm…school mates…were there in the same class, but, we had rarely interacted with each other. Then came, 11th and 12th stdd. We were in Kota, I was reading Biology, and he Mathematics. We used to talk over the phone, like once in a month. Met once in the 2-year stay there, as he had come to take the English notes. He went to the IIT and I to a Medical College. First Year, we interacted a little. And I was surprised at his transformation. Against the image of his being a very studious and serious guy, what I saw was a fun-loving, humor creating individual. The change was definitely difficult to digest. And it took an year for the thing to sulk in. 2nd year came, and we interacted more, rather fought more. Yeah, I have this absolutely wonderful relation with him, where we do more of leg-pulling than interacting. He’s the one who makes me smile. And I count on this asset of his during my depressed times. Whenever I feel blue, depressed, I have this buddy of mine, who lights my life with his fun-filled talks. He’s the only guy with whom I can talk any non-sense. I don’t think before speaking to him / or what picture of mine would be painted in his mind by my stupid talks. I share my idiosyncrasies with him. He is stupid, naughty, witty, confused, true, lazy. He has taught me, not being pretentious. Just be what you are. And relax, and procrastinate, life is not that bad.
He’s my sunshine and my Mr. Nobody.

Popeye…

Some relations are built the moment you meet. Such is my relation with him. The day my parents met him, there was something that clicked. And when, I met him, it took not more than 5 minutes for the bond to develop. And the bond has had its moments of snapping and re-bonding. But, there has not been a moment all these 5 years, that he’s not been a part of my life. He’s not the hunk, not my dream man, but he’s been the constant support, strength, and inspiration. He’s the reason behind my smile, and the reason behind the state of my mind-either good or bad. He’s the one who’s always been in my prayers and in my day-dreams. He rightly says, ‘You can’t keep everyone happy in this world. Hence, just keep the one’s who matter to you, happy.’ Learnt how to respect work, and studies, and give them their deserved importance. His madness for acquiring knowledge still amazes me. He’s cute, caring, super-busy, considerate, true, lives life on his terms, responsible, sensible, kiddish yet mature. His presence in my life is sort of essential for my survival. How-so-ever minimal it might be.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
On a random note:
Love thy friends. They are the sails to your boat of life. They catch the cool breeze for you, and soothe you. I love you all, my friends…for making me a friend of yours, and blessing me your presence and giving me the pleasure to be in your life.
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Dos líneas

Two lines...

For women it sometimes means hell.

She came with the strip faintly positive, The second line barely visible yet not insignificant enough to be ignored.

Hailing from a low-middle class background, another Sonography meant much, though not more than what this may result to. 

She didn't have the resources to rear another child. 

A pregnancy was what she could not afford. Not now.

Showing the reports, she kept praying for a denial from the doctor. Lucky, she was.

An air of relief is sometimes so more important than any atmospheric oxygen. She would have collapsed to have heard otherwise. This was the third time in the last 10 months that she had to come to consult her doctor.

The past two times, she had been put to trauma. Getting 2 abortions had left deep imprints, on her body and her psyche. Looking frailer than before, she was still recuperating from the last termination, when this agony conjured.

Discussing the contraceptives with the doctor, she broke down.

Counselling her was not useful anymore. Coz she knew what she wanted, and precautious was something she had by now become an expert at. It was someone else who needed counselling, and probably a stint at de-addiction clinic.

She loved him immensely, and so did he. And she knew it, by his caring ways, and his expressiveness for the love they shared. He had always supported her and her decisions. They had together resolved to not extend their family of three, and had also readily agreed to the protected version. They had been on a roll, except that minor friction which got them off-track. Not once, but thrice.

Alcohol not only kicked him, but also got him off-guard. 'Spirits bring in him the spirit of beasts. I am left to his pity and his conscience; the conscience which evaporates with alcohol, and rains with the hangover.'

Weeping, she informed that his husband did not want to leave alcohol, and also not come for the family planning counselling.

Such barbaric repeated episodes of mistreatment and subsequent harm to her health is not what she was going to take anymore. She wanted a way out. Peace could be reached. But how?

Getting an Intrauterine contraceptive device placed, she walks back home relieved of ONE big aspect. Conception worries.

The path she takes has got to be hers, and her hubby's. Together.

Together...till he accepts to understand, or till she grits to suffer.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Random musings

What is left in a woman's life if even her husband is not worth the trust?

A man can share a woman's life, not own it.

Alcohol. A jinx that creates more bruises and breaks than the euphoria it promises to offer.

'Why people take it to give themselves to it; remains a mystery!' To me atleast.

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